Through Darkness, We See
by casfics
Summary: The worst night of Ethan's life threatens to have more long term consequences as time progresses. With both Cal and Alicia fragile, all responsibility falls to him. No comfort lies in knowing their worst nightmare is still on the loose, and being powerless to do anything about it, nobody is out of the woods.
1. chapter 1

'You look done in, Ethan.'

Startled, he jolted upright, splashing hot coffee down his leg in doing so. He hissed with pain as Charlie ineffectually looked on, a strained expression distorting his features. The perks of sitting on a ward all night included easy access to trolleys of all types. Nurses and cleaners would often abandon them, never to return until daylight broke. Sometimes they'd leave the tea and snacks trolley, but often it was the cleaning trolley. Luckily for Ethan, this gave him instant access to a multitude of "cloths" - in this case, a tatty square of material that had more holes than it did cotton. He dabbed at the denim clumsily, worsening the stain and not doing much to ease the sting of the burn.

Then, Charlie's voice again. 'Want me to take a look at that?'

He could almost sense his already short fuse grow even shorter. 'I will be fine.'

The nurse eyed him with a suspicious look that almost felt intrusive. 'If there's one thing you won't be, it's-'

'Okay, thanks, but really - it's just a little scald.' He replied, if a little snappily.

'How long have you been here? You can't just sit here all night. What about you?' Concern deepened, the worry visibly etched into his face. Ethan heard, but didn't answer. Instead, he mindlessly twiddled the rag between his forefinger and thumb, pulling out thread by thread.

All the questions, and none of the answers. Knowing better than to prompt him again, Charlie rested a hand on his shoulder. 'I get it. We all do. Just be mindful that you need to take care of yourself too. I'll leave you be, but if there's anything-'

'Alright, that's appreciated.' He was quick to nod in dismissal of his presence. Charlie's voice was laden with thirty years of experience; his only wrongdoing was showing some care. Still, to hear someone so worldly-wise made the whole situation feel even more sore to Ethan. He felt far too weak, far too young to deal with it. The gentle thud of the door meeting with its frame informed him he was alone once more.

It was terribly late, so late that it was early, and his eyelids burned with exhaustion. Still, they didn't once stray. They stayed fixed on the doorframe, waiting for her. Or him. Or them both. Being a medic himself, he was aware of the reality - they could be hours. Even so, he didn't care. He'd wait. He'd wait a lifetime.

All moisture dissipated from his mouth and the damp, saturated stain gracing the area just above his knee was at once forgotten about, because there he was.

His trainers squeaked against the patent flooring, feet moving faster than the rest of his body. He took two steps for every one of the porters', who wheeled the bed almost effortlessly back into place on a ward foreign to Ethan. Dishevelled, unshaven, musty-smelling, stained and broken, yet unmistakable in identity. A shell of his big brother, completely lifeless but for the quivering of his eyelids.

'I cannot believe you.' Ethan remarked, expressionless to a fault. No anger carried in his tone, but there was a distinct absence of care too.

A soft groan, a slow movement of the arm, and two eyes opened. 'You're good. That's... good.' A mere four words escaped his lips.

'Cal... why?' Ethan asked.

'Because you're my brother.' He replied raggedly. 'You... would've done... the same.'

'I'm not certain I-' He broke himself off, casting his eyes to the floor.

Despite his state, Cal managed to frown. 'You would.'

'You could have died. You nearly died.' Ethan stated, matter-of-factly.

'I would have done, if it meant that nutcase would be stopped from injuring anyone else.'

'Well, that's noble of you. I would go as far as to say I'm surprised, especially considering the argument we had only hours before-'

Cal made a loud, harsh sounding noise at this, which Ethan presumed to be crossed between a cough and a laugh. 'You are my, my- you think I care about some argument? This is why you've got so much more to learn about life still.' Ethan resented this, and opened his mouth to counter it. 'Just save it for now, little brother. I did it for you, but Alicia too.' A sigh escaped his lips. 'Speaking of...'

Ethan just shook his head quickly, face contorted. 'She's in theatre, uh, safe hands.'

'Safer hands than mine.' Cal mumbled.

'No, you did what you could to protect her... and me. You mustn't blame yourself.'

Cal tipped his head back into the pillow, eyes glistening. Ethan watched on, mirroring the torment displayed. 'She will be fine, and you will be fine, and everyone will be fine.' Neither were convinced by the words that had tumbled from his mouth, but it was all they had. Because of this, they'd happily cling on to them.


	2. chapter 2

**Undecided on the dynamic between the characters as yet - think they will remain friends until the story progresses, or maybe it'll just be a bit vague. So pleased at the feedback, it is so very appreciated guys :-)**

 **casslourocks: Thank you!**

 **20BlueRoses: Means so much that you like it, thanks. I'm trying to be vague and glad I succeeded haha - yes, it is meant to be an alternate aftermath of the events Scott caused.**

She was frail. Undoubtedly broken, too. Out of nowhere she coughed, spluttered, choked before him. In spite of this, no sound as beautiful had ever graced his ears. Two hands, both as clammy as each other, squeezed down hard.

The dampened tendrils that fell past her cheek were swept back deftly with one swift movement of Ethan's. Two gulps in unison. Then crying. First her, then him.

'I'm so sorry.' Alicia's voice was high, stretched, on the verge of breaking.

'No.' Ethan shook his head, anger melting at the sight and sound of her. 'No. You have no reason to be.'

'I do!' For a reason he couldn't comprehend, she seemed to be begging him. 'This is all my fault. If you'd not been with me in the pub, Cal wouldn't have gone looking for you. You'd have picked up the phone, picked up the warning. All of us would be safe.'

'You can't... you can't think like that.' He sighed. 'He was out for murder last night, Scott, that is.' He spat the name out, for it tasted bitter. One syllable capable of destruction. One syllable that nearly wiped out the ground under which his feet once stood. Realising he'd fallen quiet, he went on. 'He came into the pub wanting me. I'd gone to order drinks, so, he turned to you. He started on you and then Cal stood in the way and took what was left of what he had to give. He's a maniac, Alicia, and it would've happened no matter where we were.' Ethan said evenly.

'Cal...' Her eyes squinted slightly, thoughtful.

'He's come out of theatre. Don't worry, he's in safe hands now.'

Oddly, she reacted in a similar way to the way Cal had when he'd told him the same thing about her. Her head lolled back into the pillow, face crumpling. He wondered, mindlessly, if perhaps comforting others was not his forte. This was overridden by a sense of guilt - these were the two people he _should_ have been able to comfort, yet he couldn't. In so many ways, he'd failed them. Not been there for them. Not protected them. Not comforted them.

'Please, Alicia, stop.' He begged feebly, feeling more and more fatigued as each sob of hers intensified. As he predicted, she didn't. In fact, she became worse and worse, distressed to the point of howling. Other patients had begun to stare. From experience as a medic, it was clear to him they had seconds before a concerned nurse would appear, misunderstand and briskly shoo him away. He tugged the bed upright, blindly fixing it into position in a matter of seconds. Then she was held against him, face pressed to his chest. It did a mediocre job of stifling the noise; the volume dropped enough to stop his head pounding. Still, his chest ached. He felt sick with worry, sick with anger and hurt and guilt and frustration and blame.

The remnants of the outburst were few, and came in the form of a couple of shuddery intakes of breath. While she calmed, he waited patiently, observing the dark rings around her eyes were almost as pronounced as he imagined his own were.

'Are you still nil by mouth?' He asked gently. She shook her head, expression vacant. Shuffling slightly to reach the notes, his eyes scanned the page. 'It says nothing here about-'

'I'm not,' She sighed finally. 'But I couldn't eat or drink, not right now.'

He fumbled around in his jeans pocket. A tissue landed on the bed, his car keys, a fifty pence coin. He held it up with an attempt of a smile. When met with her impassivity, he reached for her hand once more. 'One of the many perks of working in a hospital is knowing where all the vending machines are.'

A weak smile crossed her face, before she gently squeezed back.

When confronted with the machine, Ethan froze. He felt rather silly, dithering there. He felt he'd been economical with the truth - although he knew very well where they all were, he had no idea how to use one. They were offensively modern; two buttons aglow stood out against the large touch screen. It would be wrong to say he despaired in modern technology, but sometimes he wished such things could remain the same predictable way.

His fingers scrabbled his jeans pocket once more, searching for more loose change. Another three dusty coins were produced. That was enough.

Alicia was easy. Dark chocolate kept her awake and even-tempered on night shifts, so it would certainly cheer her up in her state. As for his own brother, it was much more difficult. Cereal bar? Too mumsy, or too Ethan, Cal would say. Fruit smoothie? Ethan could almost hear Cal's scathing tones in his head. It didn't even matter, not really, but somehow it did too. In the end, he settled for a packet of crisps. The sort that were coated in salt and a multitude of stomach-churning artificial flavourings. The ones Cal lived on in his time at medical school.

After a predictably arduous encounter with the machine, he made his way back to where she was. Something inside him sank a little. The sheet was pulled up to her face, the visible slither of the crisp hospital gown rising and falling at steady intervals. His eyes softened, recalling the last time he'd seen her like that. In his own bed, weeks earlier, safe and well without wires protruding out her skin. Placing the chocolate at the foot of the bed, he left quietly.

As he paced down the corridors, he began to wonder what he'd say. Two wasted minutes of overthinking reminded him it was his brother, and interactions should and would naturally fall into place. He entered the room, sucking in his breath. Curtains encased where his bed once had been. Ignoring the normal expectations of privacy, Ethan pulled them back to be greeted with a similar image. His big brother, fast asleep, mouth hanging open. Sick, but alive. Alive. That was all that mattered.


	3. chapter 3

**Guest: Thank you! Taken your words on board when writing this one - I love suggestions, so keep them coming. I will try - I know how frustrating slow updates are but I'm trying my best to juggle writing amongst actual study! Doing it when I can though, and your support means a lot x**

 **Nettie the carrot: Thanks! I know, bless him :( so pleased you like, your comments are appreciated.**

Two black boots. A figure attached to them, towering skyward by its tree trunk legs. Ethan watches, eyes travelling upwards, a lump forming in his throat. Something about the demeanour of the character puts him on edge, although he knows it shouldn't. Simply put, he is nothing more than a patient's relative, and in the context, nothing more than another customer arriving to drain a couple of pints after a busy day. In this sense, he can almost empathise. With this, his concerns dampen and he turns to face the barman.

'Two pints, please.' He can hear the quiver in his own voice. It's audible, and even the barman notices with a grunt.

'You sure about that, son?'

Ethan is distracted momentarily by the bulging vein residing by the man's temple. It seems to throb more with each second that passes.

'Yes, I am sure, thank you.' He replies, trying a smile this time.

The middle-aged man eyes him suspiciously. 'ID?'

'Oh!' Ethan gives a short laugh. 'I believe I've left it, actually. I'm in my late twenties, it's rare I get asked. I have this?' He fumbles for his stethoscope in the pocket of his jeans, feeling warmer and warmer as he remembers she's still waiting behind him. He turns around. A mistake. She frowns and mimes something that could be 'hurry up'.

Wondering briefly if she too has clocked the man in the doorway, he makes eye contact again with the barman. 'And? That proves nothing.'

Ethan sighs heavily. 'I feel you're being deliberately obtuse. With respect, I am a 28 year old man. I have a degree in Medicine, a full time job as an ED doctor and my girlfriend is sitting over there. Please just-'

'Where's your girlfriend?' The barman sneers, clearly disbelieving of him.

Infuriated, Ethan opens his mouth to argue. It's true, she's not his girlfriend, but it angers him that such a circumstance isn't believable - especially to a stranger. 'Why? I'd like two pints, please.'

'Seriously mate, unless you intend on drinking alone, nobody is over there...'

'I'm not, she's-'

His incoherent mumblings soon become drowned out by screams. Coupled with his first days on the obs and gynae ward back in medical school, they are the worst screams he's ever heard. His blood runs cold, because somehow, they're recognisable. He knows before even turning around. At once, he wishes he'd listened to the unassuming barman who had been trying to tell him nobody was at the table. He wishes it more than anything, for if he had, he might have been able to stop what begins to happen before his very eyes. Before he can react, there's someone else familiar. There's alarming flashes of silver, red, and two faces familiar to him both equally contorted in the most disturbing of ways.

-x-

Ethan awoke with a start, rubbing his eyes furiously. In the pit of his stomach, where fear should have been, anger bubbled there instead. He'd already been punished enough, and it felt like the most heinous of injustices that he should have to witness the whole thing again. Sharply, and with a welcomed sense of relief, he remembered. Both Caleb and Alicia were far from fine, but they were tucked in their hospital gowns in their hospital sheets in spitting distance of people who could care for them best.

His phone buzzed against the wood. Sleepily, he picked it up, holding it against his ear.

'Hi, Ethan. It's me.' Charlie's voice travelled down the phone. It had a way of making him feel safe again; he felt it to be much alike the fathering figure he never had. 'Sorry, did I wake you?'

'No, no. I was just up. Is everything okay?' Ethan replied. There was a pause. 'Charlie?'

'Yes. Everything is as you'd imagine. Did you sleep?'

'Technically,' Ethan replied. 'It's good to hear everything's good in the ED. Have you heard any news about Cal? Or-or Alicia?' His voice faltered.

'Uh, yes. That's why I rang, actually.' Charlie continued, no hint of urgency in his voice.

'What do you mean?' Ethan snapped, suddenly cross. 'What? When? Who? Can I come down, or-'

'Since you were sleeping, we thought it best not to disturb you when we heard.'

'Please just... just ring me. I don't care. I know you think you're acting in my best interests, but my priority is my brother.'

'Ethan, hear me out. I know you're concerned. If they were critical, I would have been straight over myself. You need to realise you can't be there for them if you yourself are exhausted. It's not sustainable, they could be in for weeks-'

'Thanks.' Ethan muttered.

'Look, I'm just trying to be honest. At around two this morning, Cal had a little slip. It was recovered by the ICU team, and-'

'A little slip?' Ethan repeated, stomach lurching.

'He was in VT, but we recovered it. Allergic reaction to one of the drugs that was mixed with another several, I don't know which.'

'Tapentadol. He's had that before and reacted, it should have been documented...' Ethan mumbled.

'Anyway, he's stable but the medics up there have some concerns about his shallow breathing and want to keep him in for observation. That's the last I've heard. He'll be up for visitors this morning I imagine.' Charlie explained.

'Yes, I'll come down.' Ethan said, throat dry. 'Thanks.'

'I'm afraid Alicia's a different story. She took a nosedive, even though she was doing really well. Caused a right fuss, nobody knew what was wrong. This was all about two hours ago, about five thirty. Mrs Beauchamp was called and everything.'

'You just said you would call if either of them were critical-' Ethan started, accusingly.

'I'll reword. I would have called if Cal were critical, as he's your next of kin.' Charlie said.

'But-' Ethan started, then trailed off soon after once he realised he had no leg to stand on.

'We called her parents.' Charlie told him quietly. 'They were straight there, Connie tells me.'

His fingertips whitened, clutching the phone tightly. 'What happened?'

'A bleed, somewhere. That's all they could tell. Sent her off for a CT, performed an exploratory laparotomy and she's now in an induced coma.'

'I'm coming in soon. Thanks for the update.' He croaked.

'That's no problem. Please, try not to worry. They are both in the best place.'

Forgetting his manners, which were usually embedded into his vocabulary, Ethan shakily put the phone down. He was furious. He knew, all too well, that if he could turn back the time he would. He would willingly take the knife for both of them, again and again. Watching them so fragile was torturous enough, it might as well have been physical pain. He was convinced wounds would hurt less than the guilt and memories.

-x-

Ethan had resumed his position on the orange plastic chair beside Cal's bed. Even though he'd had twelve hours away from the ward, it felt like he'd never left. He'd long since fallen into a trance, staring off into space.

'You look knackered, little brother.' Cal sighed, limply outstretching a hand. Ethan took it in his, squeezing tightly. 'What's on your mind?'

'Don't worry about me,' Ethan dismissed him with a sigh. 'Focus on yourself.'

'Nibbles...' He raised his eyebrows knowingly. 'Tell me.'

'It's nothing, I just had a flashback of it all.'

Cal fell quiet for a while. 'Wait till I get... out of hospital.' He said, breathing laboured. 'I'll hunt... him... down.'

'Do you need oxygen?' Ethan frowned.

'You should probs call the real doctor.' Cal managed to wink, despite his state. Ignoring him, he clumsily fitted the mask around his brother's face and watched it inflate with relief.

He settled back on the chair, removing his glasses that had steamed up. 'Don't go after him. He's dangerous.' Ethan said.

In response to this, he managed to smirk, wry amusement plastered over his face. 'I mean it Cal.'

He stretched the elastic on the mask, holding it inches from his face. 'I'm not scared of him though.'

'Being bold and courageous might not treat you so kindly next time!' Ethan half warned, half pleaded.

Defeated, Cal put the mask back to his face for a few seconds before removing it once more. 'Whatever I do, you'll be safe.'

'It's not just about me, though-' Ethan shook his head, frustrated at his brother's apparent lack of understanding.

He frowned. 'She'll be fine too. She wobbled this morning, all the monitors woke me up. But she'll mend, Ethan. As you said, safe hands, right?'

'I wasn't talking about Alicia.' He frowned.

'That's a first.' Cal muttered.

With regret, Ethan fixed his eyes on the floor. 'I was talking about _you_. Get better first before you even contemplate looking for Scott. That's if the witnesses and CCTV don't see him in jail before you're discharged.'

'He's devious. All the Ellissons are.' Cal muttered.

'I know. You must focus on yourself. Promise me you will, for now.' Ethan urged.

'Yeah.'

They both swallowed hard.


	4. chapter 4

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you! Always nice to see your feedback.**

 **Grace: Great suggestions! I'll try to factor those in somewhere. Cheers for supporting and following, so appreciated! Trying to update as frequently as I can.**

 **20BlueRoses: Thank you so much! Means the world. I know, poor Ethan, he's a little love bless him. I wanted to write a story where Cal was still alive because I thought it might make for an interesting dynamic, plus I miss him on the show! Directors' worst ever decision was killing him off, I swear. As for Alicia, the prospect of she and Ethan is growing on me a lot. I don't know where I'll take that though.**

Nobody in the ED said a word to Ethan, although their expressions spoke volumes. It was almost as if they were afraid of him, and weirdly, he liked that. It meant they steered clear, or gave him a meek smile before carrying about their business. It was like they knew better than to ask him if he was okay, or why he was working.

'Just to let you know, Ethan.' Noel broke the silence in reception. 'I'm here if you need me, not that it's much-' He quietened when he saw Lily's warning look.

'It's okay.' He held a hand up. 'You don't have to tiptoe round me, although I certainly appreciate the consideration. I would just like to pretend things are normal, if that's the same with you all.'

Lily was quick to nod. 'Speaking of normal, there are dozens of drunk and disorderly patients sitting in the waiting room. It's your turn this week.'

He gave a short laugh. 'Right-o. I'll jump to that, then.'

Soon, Ethan found himself wishing he hadn't been so quick to insist on doing his shift. After treating three patients, he found himself drained. He considered that they might have been particularly taxing cases, but nevertheless, he felt out his depth. The only thing that made the situation worse was his adamance prior to starting.

'Ethan.' Mrs Beauchamp had a way of addressing him that was unique to her. It was so harsh, so clinical, yet managed to be warm all at the same time. 'With me, please.'

His trainers scuffled along the floor as he walked, feeling rather like a child who was about to receive a telling off. Connie removed the wedge from the door, letting it slam, and gestured for him to sit down. She then gave him an analytical look, eyes scanning his expression with a level of care and deliberation that made him ill at ease.

Before her lips even opened, he knew what was coming. 'You shouldn't *be here.'

'I am fine.' He replied. 'B-better than fine.' She tilted her head to the side, frustratingly not convinced. 'Honestly, I am fine. I have treated the patients I was given, managed and supervised the nurses. I even advised a medical student with IV cannulation in an elderly patient. In fact, if anything, I would say this shift has been a productive one.'

Hands steepled, lips pursed, she locked eyes with him once more. 'So I'm sure. I have never doubted your competencies in the field, Dr Hardy. All I'm saying is, perhaps it would be wise to take a little break in light of what happened only four days ago.'

'I'm fine, really, I appreciate the concern, but-' He argued.

'It feels normal to be back at work, like nothing really happened?' She suggested quietly, with a touch of sadness.

He was silenced. Desperately, he wanted to nod and spill everything to her. Somehow though, the words were locked up. There was a block in his brain, a cloud circulating his mind, all preventing him from speaking. All he could do was nod.

'Well. Normality does resume before you know it. Until then, it's okay to focus on yourself. Don't push yourself too hard. I won't insist you go home, since you're sure you are fine. Please remember what I've said though.'

He nodded more enthusiastically. 'I-I will. Thank you Mrs Beauchamp.' Glad the interaction was over, he made his way to the door in less than a few seconds.

'Oh, and, Ethan?' She rose her voice slightly.

'Yes?'

'The ICU have some news for you.'

'I'll go up in an hour when I break for lunch. Is it- are they-' He stuttered.

'Just, go now.' Mrs Beauchamp smiled a little. 'The ED can wait.'

-x-

'Discharged? Wh-where?' Ethan's forehead crinkled.

'Downstairs, one of the wards. Nothing great.' Cal replied, heaving himself from the bed into the wheelchair while his brother watched.

'This is... great! Cal, this is great. It means-'

'That I'm not out of the woods yet.' He said, with a look that quelled Ethan's childlike enthusiasm.

'But, even so, you must admit it's-'

'Ethan, it's still hospital.' Cal sighed, expression darkening.

Try as he might, he couldn't help but feel hurt. 'It's positive, though, right?'

'Depends how you see it.' He muttered a reply darkly, before reaching and fumbling round in his bag once more.

'That's my brother. Full of undying optimism.' Ethan remarked.

'Listen. I'm in pain, I'm angry, and I'm bed bound. If I'm not in the best of moods, I think I'm entitled.'

'Yes, of course.' Ethan nodded.

There was a pause for a moment or two. 'So are you just going to wait there like a lemon or what?'

'No need to snap.' Ethan collected the belongings off the bed in a swift movement. 'Shall I take you down now, or are you waiting for the nurse?'

'I should probably wait. Thanks for offering though.' He just nodded, falling quiet once more. Cal raised his eyebrows and shook his head, as if to question why he was still standing there.

'Go to Alicia, she needs you.'

He gave a short laugh. 'Meaning?'

Cal rolled his eyes then. 'Meaning, she's very ill and probably could do with some company.'

'I don't want to see her too much. She'll get the wrong impression, and-and-'

'What do you mean, the wrong impression? Even for you, this is stupid. Go and see her. If not for yourself, then for me.' Cal thrust a crinkled five pound note in his brother's hand. 'And get her some flowers too. She likes carnations.'

As Ethan made his way to the little shop on the ground floor, he couldn't help but feel offended. All things considered, it was probably inappropriate to be so bound by the minutiae of the interactions with his brother. That said, it was hurtful. He was sure that Cal hadn't meant harm, but his impatience hit a sore point. It hadn't been easy to stay awake, watchful, while his eyelids were burning with exhaustion. The panic. The guilt. The regret. The thanks he got was irritablity. _Thanks_ \- it wasn't even about _thanks_ \- it was about recognition. Just a tiny slither wouldn't have gone unwelcomed.

He browsed the flower section in the shop. An array of bright colours looked out of place in a hospital, but all the same, he tried his best to focus. They weren't labelled. Ethan supposed the recipients would mostly be unconscious or unwell, and therefore unaware and unbothered of the specific type. It didn't help his dithering in the slightest.

The shopkeeper eyed him suspiciously. Again, it was all too easy to take it personally. He grimly thought about the reality. Nobody in their right mind would steal from a hospital shop, not least a spectacle clad, mousy haired, anxious-looking junior doctor with dark shadows bigger than bin bags under his eyes. The mere thought was insulting.

It was worse that Cal knew things he didn't. It's a well-known fact that there's competition between brothers, but it should never have been that way over a person. Constantly rivalling one another for her affection for a year had led to the demise they found themselves in. In Ethan's head, he knew it wasn't worth it. Even though he knew his brother was nearly as ill as she, thoughts begun to plague him. It wasn't _fair_ that Cal knew so much about her. Despite his best efforts to make a go of things with her, what happened with his brother would always remain engraved into her memory. A sudden surge of anger grasped him tightly. As guilty as it made him feel, he would exchange Alicia in a heartbeat for the lifestyle he had a year previous. Wipe her out, a complete clean slate. Everything seemed bitterly easier then. Much easier than loitering in a newsagents looking dodgy over a bunch of cellophane-wrapped weeds. Not usually the cynic, he began to to berate himself. He was where he was. Cal was where he was. Alicia was where she was, and they were all there together. He had to be in the moment and fulfill his unspoken duty.

'Can I help you?' The woman asked finally, looking rather timid herself.

'I- I'm looking for some flowers.' Ethan attempted with confidence.

Her eyebrows knitted together, bemused. 'Right? Who are they for?'

'My...' He begun, falling quiet again. 'Alicia. They're for Alicia. Sorry, I mean... a friend.' He said flatly. 'Sorry, I haven't really slept.'

'It's fine, love. You look worn out, you poor thing!' She observed, giving him a look as if she knew nobody would succumb to such levels of sleep-deprivation for a "friend".

'Yes, yes.' Ethan nodded solemnly. 'I am rather, uh, worn out.'

'So, we have daffodils, and then these lovely pink ones.' The woman smiled.

'She likes carnations. I'm-I'm rubbish with things like this. Whichever are the most-'

'Carnations? Here you go.' She plucked a bunch out from the stand. 'If you follow me to the till, I'll gift wrap them for you. Unless there's anything else you wanted?'

'Uh... I'll just pick her up some chocolate. For when she's, uh-'

'Certainly.' The woman waited patiently as he selected a bar, then scanned it on the till. 'Is she a close friend then, this Alicia?'

'She's-she's a colleague. Works here, actually, as do I. Up on the ED. She's just been admitted. Yes, a doctor.' Ethan said.

'Dr... Munroe?' The shopkeeper asked, curiously.

'Yes. How did you-'

'She's a regular. Spritely, full of life. Hope it's nothing too serious!' She said cheerfully.

'Ah, yes.' Ethan just nodded. 'Thank you. All being well, she should be on the mend soon.'

'Well, my fingers are crossed. Give her my best. Julie, she'll know who.' The woman said. 'Hope she likes the flowers.'

'Thank you for your help.' Ethan gave a small smile, mustering as much politeness as he could.

He rubbed his hands together as he walked down the corridor, the scented alcohol gel serving as a harsh, clinical reminder as to why he was there. Armed with flowers in one hand and chocolate in the other, he felt weakly hopeful that she would be awake for long enough for him to say something. Anything. He didn't know what, but it didn't matter. Usually, he'd have formulated something to say, but he felt adopting the approach with spontaneity would allow him to be more personal.

The words dried up as he approached the door. A familiar figure, hunched by the window, peering in. Scott.

 **Please let me know what you think!**


	5. chapter 5

**Thank you to everyone who's reviewed! Means a lot and will PM all of you with accounts soon (though, a special thanks to all the guest readers too). It's really appreciated - hope you like this instalment. Things hopefully will gather pace more in the next few chapters that follow this.**

Involuntarily, Ethan's fingers curled into fists, nails digging into flesh.

'Get out.' His voice was scarcely a whisper, not at all menacing. He winced as he heard the words escape his parted lips.

'Why? I'm a free man.' Scott's lips curled upwards. He surveyed him, eye to eye. Stubble unevenly decorating his cheeks and chin, days unshaven. His skin was dull, tinged grey-white. Matched fatigue etched into the shadows beneath the dark pools for eyes; strangely he felt somewhat empathetic, and had to shake this sensation off. Ethan didn't need the years of medical experience to inform him that he wasn't in the best state of health, but truthfully, he didn't care. He hoped he was ill.

He was furious, vengeful, ready to take action. The hatred bubbled under his skin, feelings boiling like lava ready to erupt. A showdown in the corridor would end it in a second. As he squared up to him, he froze. Trainer-shod feet found themselves glued to the floor. Still, the glisten in _his_ eye defrosted every nerve in his body in a second. His arm pulled back, poised, ready. The only thing that would end the pain would be to end the enemy. And, he was prepared to do whatever it took.

The noise of the monitors disrupted him, making them both jump. In seconds, he was in the room.

There she was. Face swollen, perhaps with warmth or emotion or both. Strands of hair plastered to her cheeks, while damp tendrils hung by her ears. Choking, spluttering, needing help. Dazed with a wild panic, he lurched for the alarm and stopped it. It was then that he begun to understand. Her eyes brimmed again, looking at him in a way that felt accusing, had he not known better. It was not physical pain, he was beyond certain.

'It's okay darling, I'm here. I'm not going to let anything happen.' He brushed the hair out of her face and sat on the edge of her bed, express anxious.

She just shook her head vigorously, tears spilling in a bizarre fresh torrent down her cheeks. 'You... don't... know.' She gulped back a sob with each word.

'Alicia? Try and breathe.' He said gently, yet with a sense of urgency.

'You... don't-' She begun again, angrily this time. She was inconsolable, the depiction of grief and everything he felt himself.

'Shh. I'm not claiming to know, darling. Please just try to-'

Her noisy sobs interrupted him, intensifying in volume. 'I... am... not your darling!' She exhaled shakily, expression hardening.

'You don't mean that. Calm down, come on.' He took her hand, but it remained limp and unresponsive in his. Resorting to last efforts, he adjusted the bed setting in a swift movement and managed to revert her position to sitting. After squeezing her hand for a moment, he moved his thumb to brush over her knuckles lightly. It took what felt like forever to pass before things had settled down.

'You're treating me like a child.' Alicia mumbled, fiddling with the covers.

A long sigh. 'I'm not meaning to. How else was I meant to stop the hurt? I-I'm rubbish at things like this, you know that.'

She sniffed, squeezing his hand back for the first time. 'You're not rubbish, not at all. You're a good friend.'

 _It stung - one little word carried such a big meaning._

'What happened?' He asked, attentive yet somewhat distant.

'He didn't come in, but he was watching me a while. I got a weird sensation, so I opened my eyes and saw him. It put me on edge, and then you came, and then I thought you were going to fight, and-'

'Alright, don't work yourself up.' He said softly.

'Were you going to fight?' She asked, lips quivering.

He hesitated, thinking. Cal had wanted him to. He, for a split second, had wanted to. 'No.' He lied. 'No, I wasn't.'

'Ethan...' She whispered.

'I said no!' He snapped, then watched her face fall. 'Am I the sort of man who routinely gets into fights, Alicia?' She blinked, remaining quiet. 'Not least scrapping in my workplace, and in front of you. I wouldn't. There's- there's too much to lose.' He ran a hand through his hair.

'Meaning?'

'Meaning whatever you want it to.' He replied, deliberately evasive, yet locked eyes with her in the hope to communicate what words couldn't.

She was the first to look down. Possible regret, possible pain. He didn't know. They sat in silence, thinking about all the things they didn't know.

'How's Cal?' She asked finally.

'Good.' Ethan responded plainly.

'Now you're being funny with me.' She decided, fixing her eyes back on the ceiling in despair.

'I'm not being funny, I-'

'I know how you feel. I also know how I feel.' She looked at him, expressionless but for something in her eye he didn't quite understand.

'Which is-'

'Ethan, all I'm trying to say is that you're not as alone in your feelings as you might think. Let's just leave it there, shall we?'

He cleared his throat delicately. 'You asked about Cal. He's been moved downstairs while he recovers and, barring anything going downhill, he should be discharged in a few days.'

Alicia sucked her teeth, clearly considering her response. Ethan knew bringing it back to Cal would reflect and illustrate how _she_ was the one making the big deal about the huge question mark hanging over them, and not him. It was tactful to a fault; his quick retort had silenced her. Instead of feeling more at ease, he started to feel worse. Eventually, she looked back at him with a small smile.

'That's really good news. Give him my best.' She said quietly, amicable.

'He mentioned popping to see you, if you're up for it. It will probably be tomorrow now, unless he gets help to come up later on.'

She nodded, looking noticeably happier. 'I'd like to see him. If-if he doesn't mind. I just feel guilty, Ethan. He is the reason I'm alive. Scott was out for someone. He got me to get at you, and Cal ended up getting it instead. How do I even show him my gratitude for something so big?' She gushed.

Ethan gave a little shrug. 'He won't be expecting any thanks.'

'No, but I feel like he at least deserves something!'

'He doesn't care, Alicia. He's not materialistic, he just wanted to protect you.' He replied shortly. _Like I should have done, and didn't._

'If you say so.' She replied, unaffected by his blunt responses. 'I just feel bad.'

'That makes two of us. Three of us, probably.' Ethan said grimly.

'You don't need to feel bad. We're on the mend soon, in no time we'll be better.' She enthused with a little smile, misunderstanding.

He let out an exasperated laugh. 'My problem lies within. I should have taken all that. I should be lying here, not you. It was coming my way, yet the two people I... yet you two get it instead. Now I'm left with the guilt. It's such a huge responsibility to carry, and I'm really feeling the weight.'

She chewed a nail, thoughtful. 'You need to stop making things so moral.'

'Alicia, the world runs on morality. Of course it's important to consider it.' He muttered.

'Yeah, consider it, but don't give in to the-the _guilt._ You're feeling it so much! It's not your fault! Nobody asked for it to happen, nobody knew it was going to happen.' She tried to reassure him.

'It's mine to deal with at the end of the day.' He replied stiffly. 'I shouldn't have shared it.'

It was her turn to sigh. 'Of course you should. Just because I'm here, it doesn't mean I'm an invalid. It's not that I don't understand, but I think you need to give yourself a break. For your own sanity, if nothing else.'

As he went through the motions of nodding with her, making further small talk, and finally (what proved to be the most arduous task) of stroking her hair until she fell asleep, the burden weighed on him all the more. The point she made about keeping his sanity hit home. His sanity went out the window of the Hope and Anchor on _that_ night. He hadn't clung to a shred of it. The unrelenting torture his own mind put him through told him that. With every flashback, every scream, every shudder. It wasn't sane. The world didn't feel very sane. There they were, chatting about something and nothing, while the very man with real responsibility walked the streets - or the wards, as the case may be.

No restraining order. No conditional bail. No nothing.

Making his way back home for the first time in hours, things seemed no clearer. He hadn't gone back to Cal's ward after visiting Alicia, nor had he gone to see his colleagues. He feared, if he had, he would have spilled everything about Scott. He needed to gather his thoughts first, order them, then deal with things sensibly. An "Ethan plan", as his brother would say.

If only the world would run on his plans, or on anything like them.


	6. chapter 6

It hurt. The sharp longing repressed in the base of his throat, lodged there. As he numbly paced along, he wondered if there was a medical explanation for his pain. It was odd how he hadn't been involved, yet he had at the same time. The enormity of the impact he felt made him question whether he should be strapped up in a bed, and if that would be better than witnessing them be there instead.

'Ah. Nibbles.' Cal hissed as he pulled himself along on crutches.

'You shouldn't be using those, not yet. The stitches need to-'

'Let's let the real doctors make the shout, hey?' He raised an eyebrow quizzingly, face contorting as he lowered himself into the armchair.

Ethan gave a gravelly sigh, beyond tired of his brother's remarks. 'I'm trying to help you, that is all. If you don't want to take my advice, can you please take from your own medical expertise and stay sitting down?'

Cal pulled a face. 'You need a sleep.'

'No, what I need is for you to be less patronising! I am fine, all I-'

'You've always been grumpy when you're tired.'

'Oh for God's sake, Caleb-'

A young-looking nurse pulled back the curtains sharply, immediately casting a glare in Ethan's direction. 'Is everything okay in here, Mr Knight?'

'Fine, thank you Laura.' He answered, giving a little smile.

'Great. I'll be round to check on you properly in half an hour.' She replied breezily, and with a disbelieving arch of the eyebrow, she drew them again.

'Half an hour is fine.' Cal replied amiably, waiting until she'd left to speak again. 'Or earlier, if you want.'

Exasperated, he made a noise. 'I can't believe you!'

'I'm attractive enough.' Cal shrugged.

Appraising him once more, he violently shook his head. 'Obviously not what I meant.'

'Chill, little brother. She's just taken a fancy to the sick, adorable looking doctor on Ward 3. It's harmless.'

Ethan snorted. 'Harmless for Alicia?'

'Alicia is about as attached to me as... as a nun is to promiscuity.' He justified.

'Everything _has_ to be about sex, doesn't it?'

Cal's eyebrows knitted together, confused. 'Well, yes. We were just talking about girls.'

Looking skyward, Ethan sighed. 'I think you should try sorting things with her before you move on to anyone else.'

'As I said, she's not attached. You go for her, if you want-'

'She's not some toy though, is she?' Irritation was etched into Ethan's expression now, quickly losing patience with his brother. 'Also, I think you should perhaps think about asking her how she feels. She seems more attached than you say.'

'Seems?' Cal repeated.

Swallowing hard, He nodded. 'Yeah. But what would I know about how to treat a woman?'

Interpreting it painfully wrong, Cal tipped his head to the side in pity. 'When I'm right, we'll go out. Find some nice birds, ones that aren't from our hospital.'

'As much as it sounds nice, partying in town isn't my scene...' Ethan begun, polite to his detriment.

The careful approach earned a scornful laugh from Cal. 'I've not been living under a rock for ten years. I've known you go to two nights out. One being Charlie's stag do, the other being at the start of med school when you felt as if you had to to fit in. Listen, we can revolutionise Ethan Hardy. You could be a changed man.'

Involuntarily, Ethan grimaced. 'Changed? Uh...'

'Yeah, I mean, look at you. Checked shirt, dowdy clothing, half shaven, wonky glasses. It's not exactly a great look, is it?'

'Thanks.' Ethan replied flatly. 'Always so supportive.'

'Well, it's no wonder you're not pulling the girls! I'm trying to be honest, it's not about being mean.' Cal gave him a sympathetic smile. 'As your big brother, this is my duty to tell you.'

'Again, thanks.' Ethan said stiffly.

'Oh, lighten up,' Cal leaned out to nudge Ethan playfully, then followed it up with a coughing fit.

'Take it easy.' He mumbled, offended but still concerned.

'I'll be fine. Honestly, when I get out of hospital we'll-'

'Just focus on getting yourself better first.' Ethan reminded gently. 'There's more important things to think of.'

 _Namely Alicia._

Cal's eyes fluttered shut. 'Just one more week, sooner if I can help it.'

'And then you'll continue to take things easy. Your injuries, they're-'

'Getting better. Stop being so cynical. I know you, you're just enjoying the peace of not having me around.' Cal smirked.

Ethan laughed, if with a little too much force. 'Yeah, I think you'd be surprised.'

'Naw...' Cal pulled a face, thoughtful. 'You are sweet, aren't you?'

'Uh...'

'You are. You're sweet. I love you, kid. Go home and sleep, yeah? Practise what you preach and take care of yourself.' He smiled, suddenly radiating warmth that Ethan hadn't seen in a while. It stirred up some emotion in him. Still, there were things that needed to be discussed in more detail. Scott's name was on the tip of his tongue; but he felt it wrong to stale what was a nice moment between them. So, he stayed quiet. His thoughts and plans could wait until the next time.

As soon as Ethan left the hospital, he felt the cold air hit him. Thinking it weirdly unseasonal, he checked the weather app on his phone. When it wouldn't load, he gave another sigh and slid it back into his pocket. He had nothing else to do for the day. Connie had told him not to work. No one to see, no friends to do anything with. In a profession so rewarding, he also felt susceptible to great isolation - it ate all his time and energy. Slowly, over the years, he'd lost touch with everyone who'd once meant something. In truth, all he had was his brother and Alicia. Max and Lily too, but they didn't really count. They were too overwhelmingly wrapped up in themselves - Max fussing round Robyn and the latest love interest, Lily worshipping an educational book or more and more frequently, Iain.

All he had to do was go home and twiddle his thumbs. And it wouldn't even live up to the word - Cal wouldn't be there. A home isn't a home without the people.


	7. chapter 7

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: Ah, thank you! Tried to include that on purpose. Hope you enjoy this chapter x**

 **20BlueRoses: Thanks!! That was what I was hoping to portray for Ethan, so I'm glad you read it in that way! Love all your comments and I really appreciate your support x**

Spring sunshine painted pillars of white over the carpet in the ground floor room.

As he downed the last of his tea like a lukewarm shot, he rubbed his eyes and realised how refreshed he felt. He had needed a good sleep, and Cal had been right. Big brothers had an annoying way of doing that. Still, big brothers often had a lot of flaws none the less. One notable flaw of Cal's was his tea-making skills.

'What's up now?' Cal almost bounded over to him on the crutches, seemingly finding strength to use them overnight. The speed at which he moved told Ethan he was showing off, eagerly presenting himself as mended and able. Still, he misunderstood as usual. There was no nice or fair way to tell the truth about such a trivial thing, so he placed the mug on the side discreetly.

'Why would anything be up?' Ethan took his glasses off, wiping the lenses.

'It's not even eight in the morning, and here you are. Plus, you're pulling a face.' Cal noticed.

'I-I'm not pulling a face.'

'You are. Tell me, why are you here so early? Company's nice, I'm flattered, but why this time?'

'Well, only doing what you'd do for me.' Ethan replied evenly. Cal snorted, as if to discredit this. 'Oh, charming.' Resting himself in an armchair positioned slightly to the side of his brother, Cal let the crutches drop to the floor and drummed his fingers on his knee. 'How was your night?'

'Alright. There's a different team down here obviously. The nurse on duty last night was called Mary, and, well...'

'Did she give you your medication and make sure you were alright?' Ethan asked, immediately butting in before he could make a comment about her appearance.

'Yes, but-'

'Then she's a good nurse.' He raised an eyebrow reproachfully. 'I take it you took no heed, whatsoever, of my words to you last night.'

Cal smirked then. 'I need some eye candy, I get bored. Just cause you don't see the world the way I do.'

'Pretty vague way to describe one's own lewdness.'

'Oh, pipe it baby bro with your flowery language. How's Alicia?'

Ethan laughed, as if he was proving a point, before quietening. 'I don't know. I haven't been to see her in a couple of days. I should really go after I've seen you. Last I heard, she was doing well. Apparently they're arranging her some counselling. I gave them the go ahead, thought it would do her some good. They asked about you, but I declined on your behalf.'

'I'd rather eat my own feet than go to counselling.' He muttered. 'Good that she's okay though. And I'll come with you - if that's cool of course.'

'If you're sure you can manage.' Ethan replied, trying to keep the irritableness inside.

'I'm sure.' Cal said. 'Now?'

'I thought you said it was early.' He pointed out, reluctant to move from the chair with his brother in tow.

'It is, for me. Alicia's always an early bird though.'

'Right.' Ethan raised an eyebrow with a nod, again feeling bitter that Cal had this insight.

'Yes, I-I suppose we should go then.'

-x-

In contrast to downstairs, the ward Alicia was on was heaving with staff and trolleys and patients. Dodging their way through the crowd, they finally arrived at the door to her room. It was secluded, as secluded as it could be in such a busy department.

Choosing the most polite option, Ethan hesitated before knocking three times on the wood.

Cal let out a sigh. 'She won't hear that over the machines.'

'What do you suggest I do? Barge on in there?'

'Yes!' Shoving past his brother, Cal was in the room.

In less than a second, Ethan felt terrible.

'Cal, we need to leave.' He hissed, and not very quietly.

Alicia certainly did look startled to see them. Her eyes had widened, eyebrows arched, expression stony. Angry, clearly, but no visible reason as to why.

'Sorry for bursting in, but I figured you might not hear his knocking.' Cal said.

Tipping his head skyward, Ethan let out a laugh. 'Privacy. As a doctor, you should know that.'

'It's not like she's a stranger.'

'No, but she's still in hospital! You have to be respectful!' Ethan exploded. Seconds passed, all were silent. 'Sorry, Alicia.'

'Let's not forget why we're here.' Cal grumbled, gesturing towards the bed before turning to address her. 'How are you, anyway?'

No answer. Ethan squinted, confused, moving to perch on the end of her bed. 'How was the chocolate the other day? Did I do alright?'

The corners of her lips twitched for a split second, before the blank stare resumed. Exchanging glances with his brother desperately, Ethan gestured for him to sit on the end of the bed too. Hobbling over, trying his level best not to make a spectacle of himself, Cal joined him.

'Say something, Alicia. So we know you can speak.' Cal said quietly.

She just swallowed, ignoring his eyes and meeting Ethan's instead. After a couple of seconds, he turned back to Cal.

'She can.' He mumbled. 'You can, can't you?'

Again, no answer. 'But what if she can't? What if she can hear us, but she can't answer. It could be a head injury that's gone un-'

Exhaustion coming back, Ethan just shook his head limply. 'She doesn't look vacant or distressed. She looks calm. You can't make a person speak if they don't want to, and she has made her choice.'

He looked back at Alicia, wondering if she was listening even a little bit. Her eyes had moved to the floor in a trance. He suspected she might have been, somewhere deep down. Maybe she was grateful. Maybe she was angry. Maybe she was lost in thought, or just lost.

'Well, we might as well go.' Cal stretched, standing up from his chair.

Ethan stayed seated on the end of the bed, shooting him a look of outrage. Her head also jerked around upon sensing his movement. 'Or I'll stay...' He pivoted, sitting back down on the chair with force.

'No no, if you want to go.' Ethan mumbled quietly.

'You say it like I'm a bad person...'

'No I don't. It's honestly fine. You're not well yourself, I don't think she's that up to company anyway. We'll visit again tomorrow, and I'll pop down to say bye to you before I leave.' Ethan said, suddenly forgetting his morals and realising, selfishly, that it might be better if his brother left.

With a slow appraising nod, Cal picked up his crutches and made his way to the door. 'Get better soon, little Lish. What happened was truly awful, but we're safe now.' He purposefully looked at Ethan. 'We all are. Please don't feel guilty, alright? Nothing is your fault. We'll be home soon, and you can come and stay. We'll be wreaking havoc on Nibbles' beloved peace and quiet in no time.'

When he received no answer, Ethan couldn't help but notice his brother's face fall slightly. He chose to give him a little nod and a knowing look, so he could take it as a que to leave. The whole situation didn't work wonders in terms of easing Ethan's guilt - if anything, he felt even worse.

Then, he was gone. For having one less body, the room felt a lot more quieter. Not the sort of quietness Ethan craved. Bad quiet.

'I understand. It must have been difficult to talk to him after what he did for you.' Using his empathy to his advantage, he hoped for a response. Any kind of utterance would have been positive. Even 'go away', or perhaps stronger language still.

 _One second. Reply. Two seconds, reply Alicia._

She'd turned to face him, he guessed she was listening.

'Why aren't you speaking?' He asked softly. 'I know you can hear.'

Though he tried to be patient, a little sigh escaped his lips. 'It wasn't just my brother, was it? You don't want to hear from me either. I get it, Alicia, I do. I just wish you'd say something. It's not right of me to pressurise you though, so I take a step back. If you don't want to talk, I'm sure you can still listen.' He tried to take her hand.

She didn't pull away, but neither did she particularly respond. Her fingers linked loosely with his, chilly but unmistakably hers. Out the corner of his eye, he noticed the deep blue nail varnish, which was now far from immaculate and hosted chips and scratches. The lump in his throat grew. Talking or not talking, she was still her. The same woman.

'I know, right now, you're... you're delicate. You'll be discharged in a few days if nothing has changed since the last time I checked. If you don't speak, they might not let you home so soon though. It's important to try.' He whispered, then paused for a second. 'Cal is discharged the day after tomorrow, so it will be business as usual at our flat. You can come over, like he said. Obviously platonically. I will have the sofa, and you can have my bed. Or-or you can have Cal's bed, if you'd rather, th-that may be less awkward, and he can have mine and I'll have the sofa. Or-'

'Ethan...' Alicia whispered, looking bitterly torn.

He almost jumped. 'Yes?'

She'd fallen quiet again, but her cheeks had become damp. One little word was enough though.

'Oh, darling. It's okay. You're going to be alright.'

All he could do was squeeze her hand and realise and accept that he didn't know a thing - about anything.

 **Last hospital chapter for a while, change of setting and dynamic from now on! Please let me know what you think lovelies x**


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